Foolish Me

Oh, sleepless nights, how I hate them! Thoughts and worries keep me awake, tossing and turning seeing dollar signs floating in my mind because the bills continue to pile up. I see fees in my mind as the creditors approach my accounts. I see the foolishness of my actions from months ago as he sat drinking and I spent. How foolish to think that if I bought myself nice things he would notice me and stop drinking. How foolish to think that he would see how hard I was trying to get his attention. How foolish to think he cared.

So, here I lie, awake in the dark cursing myself and him, mostly myself. Here I lie wide awake to watch the sun rise afraid to start my day, concerned with his behavior at the end of his day. Here I lie wondering where to go, what to do, who to turn too.

Foolish behavior comes back to haunt us, we think we can run away from foolishness created by ourselves but it always finds us. Foolish wishing that he would love me again if only I looked better and dressed nicer. Foolish wishing that he could love me more than the alcohol that consumes his life.

Foolish thoughts such as these force me from my bed to wander the floor. Foolish me.