Oh, sleepless nights, how I hate them! Thoughts and worries keep me awake, tossing and turning seeing dollar signs floating in my mind because the bills continue to pile up. I see fees in my mind as the creditors approach my accounts. I see the foolishness of my actions from months ago as he sat drinking and I spent. How foolish to think that if I bought myself nice things he would notice me and stop drinking. How foolish to think that he would see how hard I was trying to get his attention. How foolish to think he cared.
So, here I lie, awake in the dark cursing myself and him, mostly myself. Here I lie wide awake to watch the sun rise afraid to start my day, concerned with his behavior at the end of his day. Here I lie wondering where to go, what to do, who to turn too.
Foolish behavior comes back to haunt us, we think we can run away from foolishness created by ourselves but it always finds us. Foolish wishing that he would love me again if only I looked better and dressed nicer. Foolish wishing that he could love me more than the alcohol that consumes his life.
Foolish thoughts such as these force me from my bed to wander the floor. Foolish me.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Watching From Your Heart
When you’re children are small they depend on you for everything and you provide them with everything. You worry, you fuss, you scold and you love. You do everything in your power to provide a safe, loving, secure home for your children. You mold them and try to teach them to understand the ways of the world. You pray that they have a better understanding of the world than you did when you were growing up. You hope and pray that your children don’t suffer the mistakes and heartbreaks that you did. You raise them and then let them go.
You watch as they make their way, become their own and start their lives. You quietly observe the mistakes they make, the triumphs they experience and the loves they find for themselves. You smile thinking you raised them to be their own person, to make their way and you feel good. Then, they stumble, they forget what you taught them and they falter in what they do. You try to stay out of their lives, try not to make the decision for them; you hold your breath as they struggle. It’s their life now, not yours to control. You did what you knew how to do and now you need to let them go so they can make their own way.
This is easy to do, right? Easy to let them go off on their own and not worry anymore. That’s what you planned for from the moment they were born; to raise them and then let them go, easy to say but not so easy to do. Remember, letting them go does not mean letting go of the worry and sleepless nights, it’s not moving on with your own life and forgetting that your children are out there somewhere. Letting go is simply watching them move into their own, to try, to run, to succeed and to fail.
Letting go is having them out of your house and into their own, letting go is not making their choices for them anymore, letting go is learning to love and support and provide for them from a distance. From your own house, and, from your own heart; letting them go, so they can grow. That’s what you planned for, for them to grow and to love and to learn. All while you watch from your heart.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
America
Our nation went to war in early 2003; everyone saw it happening because it was shown on national television. We all sat and watched the first missiles fly through the sky and land on their targets. Many of us wept while watching, many of us cursed the ones responsible and many of us prayed. We all held a stake in the outcome of this war, we were all involved as one nation joining together to support our troops who were in the Middle East when it all started. We rallied around our neighbors, friends and family as this event unfolded in front of our eyes. But, in reality not all of us were banded together. Some of us placed blame on America and the Military; not giving the support that was needed and in all honesty, the support that was expected from many of us.
We hung our flags with pride and honor to show our support for America during those first days of the battle. We placed little yellow ribbon magnets on our vehicles, wrapped our trees with yellow ribbon and vowed to stand behind America and our Military as they fought this battle. We banded together and held hands during this time of uncertainty and lit our candles as we stood in the center of our towns and showed our support to America’s Military. Americans came together to pray for our country and to praise our leaders for defending us. Then, as the days went on, many American’s dropped the hand of the person standing next to them in the chain of support and praise. Many of us started questioning the reason for starting this war. Many of us forgot the sight of the Towers falling on that day in September, 2001. We stopped weeping for our country and our leaders and started to curse them instead. Some American’s stopped supporting the troops and questioned those of us who still stood strong in defense of our country.
Our soldier’s left their families and friends and went to stand in the fight to defend their Country. They were young, these defenders of our nation, young and scared and strong. They said goodbye to parents, spouses and children as they boarded the planes to fly to a country unknown to them, standing proud in their uniforms boldly going where most of us would never dream of going. They fight for us, these American soldiers who are young and frightened. They do not show their fear during battle, they only know that they have a duty to perform and they do it. Their duty is to defend and protect their country in a time of need, a duty to make this land free and safe for future generations of Americans. They go into battle with heads held high and hearts prepared. They stand firm where many of us would fall, they don’t back down when many of us would fold. These defenders, our Military, do what we could never do; they fight, protect and defend. They do this for us, American’s here at home on safe soil. They have a job, a duty to hold strong too, they are brave these soldiers. They are steadfast and sure and proud. Those of us left behind here at home should stand behind them and all that they do. We should proudly wave our flags and wear our ribbons and fight the battle with them. We should praise them when they come home and shake their hands in welcome. Say thank you for defending me, thank you for leaving your families and bringing them peace and a sense of well-being, a feeling of safety once again.
As time goes by and the war continues over there America grows impatient. America starts to question the reason for being there, for losing so many of our young men and women. American’s begin to falter in our strength and instead of praise for our soldiers, we offer ridicule and shame. We call them hateful names and turn our backs on them as they come home from battle. We ask our neighbors and friends why they are still waving their flags and proudly wearing the yellow ribbons. We tell them that nothing good is happening over there. That all our soldiers are doing is killing innocent people and ravaging their lands. We hang our heads in shame of our country, we stop praising and praying. We begin to point fingers and place blame on our leaders. Telling them that they did wrong in sending our troops over there, telling them that they need to bring our troops home and stop all this nonsense. We stop being proud of our country and show our embarrassment and shame. We step back from that line of support and love for our soldiers; we point fingers of blame instead of raising hands of praise.
This is wrong; we should be ashamed of ourselves for doing this, not placing blame and shame on the soldiers who come home to us. We need to remember the day those Towers fell, the day America stopped feeling safe in our own homes. We, as Americans, need to stay standing proud and wave our flags and show our soldiers that we respect them and honor them. Thank them for all that they do, show them we love them and understand the horrors they face every day, embrace them as they come home to families left behind.
It’s a simple concept really, if we, as American’s think this through we would realize that in supporting our Military we are in fact, supporting America. It’s not about supporting a war, supporting death and destruction, it’s about supporting America. It’s about supporting our sons, daughters, fathers and mothers as they leave us to fight. It’s about standing proud in the face of adversity against our country. It’s as simple as saying thank you to the soldiers who come home. America does not have to support war; America does not have to support devastation beyond our imaginations. America needs to support America. It’s as simple as that.
We hung our flags with pride and honor to show our support for America during those first days of the battle. We placed little yellow ribbon magnets on our vehicles, wrapped our trees with yellow ribbon and vowed to stand behind America and our Military as they fought this battle. We banded together and held hands during this time of uncertainty and lit our candles as we stood in the center of our towns and showed our support to America’s Military. Americans came together to pray for our country and to praise our leaders for defending us. Then, as the days went on, many American’s dropped the hand of the person standing next to them in the chain of support and praise. Many of us started questioning the reason for starting this war. Many of us forgot the sight of the Towers falling on that day in September, 2001. We stopped weeping for our country and our leaders and started to curse them instead. Some American’s stopped supporting the troops and questioned those of us who still stood strong in defense of our country.
Our soldier’s left their families and friends and went to stand in the fight to defend their Country. They were young, these defenders of our nation, young and scared and strong. They said goodbye to parents, spouses and children as they boarded the planes to fly to a country unknown to them, standing proud in their uniforms boldly going where most of us would never dream of going. They fight for us, these American soldiers who are young and frightened. They do not show their fear during battle, they only know that they have a duty to perform and they do it. Their duty is to defend and protect their country in a time of need, a duty to make this land free and safe for future generations of Americans. They go into battle with heads held high and hearts prepared. They stand firm where many of us would fall, they don’t back down when many of us would fold. These defenders, our Military, do what we could never do; they fight, protect and defend. They do this for us, American’s here at home on safe soil. They have a job, a duty to hold strong too, they are brave these soldiers. They are steadfast and sure and proud. Those of us left behind here at home should stand behind them and all that they do. We should proudly wave our flags and wear our ribbons and fight the battle with them. We should praise them when they come home and shake their hands in welcome. Say thank you for defending me, thank you for leaving your families and bringing them peace and a sense of well-being, a feeling of safety once again.
As time goes by and the war continues over there America grows impatient. America starts to question the reason for being there, for losing so many of our young men and women. American’s begin to falter in our strength and instead of praise for our soldiers, we offer ridicule and shame. We call them hateful names and turn our backs on them as they come home from battle. We ask our neighbors and friends why they are still waving their flags and proudly wearing the yellow ribbons. We tell them that nothing good is happening over there. That all our soldiers are doing is killing innocent people and ravaging their lands. We hang our heads in shame of our country, we stop praising and praying. We begin to point fingers and place blame on our leaders. Telling them that they did wrong in sending our troops over there, telling them that they need to bring our troops home and stop all this nonsense. We stop being proud of our country and show our embarrassment and shame. We step back from that line of support and love for our soldiers; we point fingers of blame instead of raising hands of praise.
This is wrong; we should be ashamed of ourselves for doing this, not placing blame and shame on the soldiers who come home to us. We need to remember the day those Towers fell, the day America stopped feeling safe in our own homes. We, as Americans, need to stay standing proud and wave our flags and show our soldiers that we respect them and honor them. Thank them for all that they do, show them we love them and understand the horrors they face every day, embrace them as they come home to families left behind.
It’s a simple concept really, if we, as American’s think this through we would realize that in supporting our Military we are in fact, supporting America. It’s not about supporting a war, supporting death and destruction, it’s about supporting America. It’s about supporting our sons, daughters, fathers and mothers as they leave us to fight. It’s about standing proud in the face of adversity against our country. It’s as simple as saying thank you to the soldiers who come home. America does not have to support war; America does not have to support devastation beyond our imaginations. America needs to support America. It’s as simple as that.
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